Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
only you would photoshop your dick
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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