Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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