The maid of honor just puked.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
