if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
