i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
