If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
