Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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