I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
