my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
