I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
