a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
