lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
