True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
