wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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