A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
