i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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