My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
