Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
