Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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