What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
