I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
