How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize