I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
