I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
