I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
