so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize