tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
