Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
