I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
