Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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