Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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