I hate all girls vehemently.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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