I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
