Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Text me some of your sweat
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
