Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
