Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
