don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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