god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
