Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
