I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
