If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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