How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
