Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
