Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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