I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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