Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
