My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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