Quick, to the slutcave!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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