No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
