We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
