We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize