never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
