My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
