Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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