LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
