Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
