I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
