we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
