i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
