If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
